The furies

The Furies


Furious voices dominates the airways.  The three furies : Anger, revenge, jealousy. The public is incensed. People are livid. People are demanding vengeance . People want to know why Dominic Cummings, the Governments most senior adviser and acknowledged as the architect of its policies,  got away with driving 260 miles with his seriously ill wife (COVID infectious)  and his child to his parents in Durham in March in clear contravention of lockdown rules when the rest of us were staying at home, staying safe and saving lives at great personal cost.

Apparently this was allowable for 'essential childcare'.  Really? The rest of us were told to abide by the simple slogan of his devising 'Stay home, stay safe, save lives'.  Rules to stop the spread of the virus, to protect the NHS, the vulnerable. Rules we lived by at whatever cost.  Rules which broke our hearts. Rules which led to indescribable suffering across the country.

Not, it turned out, for Dominic Cummings.  He simply ignored the rules, drove with his wife and child to his parents for them to provide 'essential childcare' . Then was subsequently seen at a nearby beauty spot 'to test his eyesight' for the return journey. In the days since the story broke he has insisted he did nothing wrong and has been supported by the Prime Minister. 

Time will tell if history deals Mr Cummings the justice he deserves for this betrayal. His refusal to apologise or even express regret is a slap in the face for the millions who stuck to the rules in the face of hardship and heartbreak.  He has become the justified focus of the full force of public fury. He is a symbol of everything which seems , past , present and future, to be  wrong with the Government's handling of this pandemic.

As I write, the PM still backs him, has even allowed him a press session in the rose garden at No 10, as if to anoint him indispensable. But our multi media world is reflecting a deluge of angry voices, voices demanding vengeance, and quiet cries full of jealousy from thousands, millions, of us who feel cheated in so many ways. The furies in full force. 

According to Dominic Cummings and Boris Johnson those lockdown rules could be interpreted according to need. Really? Tell that to those who had to leave loved ones to die alone in hospitals, to find themselves unable to visit elderly relatives in care homes, to find themselves torn asunder from those they hold dear, forbidden to drive, forbidden to leave their homes for all but essential shopping or exercise. 

Whether or not Dominic Cummings will keep his job, the harm is done. His betrayal, his subsequent lack of regret or apology, his complete lack of empathy with the suffering of so many , has led to a universal defiance aptly summed up in this free mask in a daily newspaper captioned  'Do whatever the hell you want and sod everyone else'

Our cautious baby steps as a society to edge into normal life have been replaced with giant leaps. People were already articulating their frustration with endless soundbites rather than sound advice, our daily pointless briefings with repetitive broken promises, the complete chaos of confusion caused by the current 'easing of lockdown' 'rules'.

I have increasingly felt that our Government has lost control (if it ever had it) of this crisis and this is now being reflected in growing criticism. Public opinion has turned against Boris Johnson in a wave of anger.  Those we trusted to keep us safe now appear irresponsible, incomprehensible, and, in the case of Dominic Cummings, incredibly selfish.

As the weeks have gone on I have been increasingly angry, increasingly disillusioned with the official handling of Covid . I have already plumbed depths of helpless fury. This latest betrayal has left me feeling totally disgusted.

What next? How seriously can we be expected to take anything seriously  now? It is understandable that many are articulating despair as well as anger. Where now?  The latest manual coronavirus contact tracking system designed to keep us safe has been introduced today, not exactly good timing at the lowest point of our collective social and cultural unity since this crisis began. 

There was one central core to Boris' advice to edging our way out of lockdown and that was to rely on our common sense. Nothing else made sense.  My frustration and fury at the utter waste of time and the utter uselessness of the lockdown weeks in terms of finding/funding/devising any safety net to safely release our society from this prison aside, I could work with common sense. Despite the obvious flaw that my common sense could be out of step with other people, I took that at face value. 

Using my common sense is now telling me not to behave like Dominic Cummings. Not to let my anger and desire for vengeance, my jealous at his actions, distort my own behaviour. I believe I have integrity, empathy and self awareness.  I do not want to catch the virus, I want to keep my family safe and I do not want my actions to endanger anyone else. 

So I am directing my rage into petitioning for him to resign before his continued presence drives many into rebellious actions putting us all in danger.  I have written to my MP and joined every campaign I can find. This is not a witch hunt, this is about restoring trust and order. Before everything falls apart in a perfect storm of furies. 

The good, the bad and the ugly

The good, the bad and the ugly.

I feel as if I am floating, motionless on deep dark water. Suspended in  space between earth and sky. Cast adrift into open seas. The furious maelstrom of emotions from last week has ebbed away into stillness. I gaze into nothingness. There is nothing tangible within sight. So I close my eyes and think about the good, the bad and the ugly of the journey so far flit across my mind. 

The good

1. My wonderful family. Never have the words 'you never walk alone' meant so much.  💓

2. Nature has been a revelation and at times my salvation.  I have never before truly appreciated my beautiful surroundings nor been so grateful to live in this gorgeous countryside.

3. Friendships far and wide kept alive by virtual reality, coffee mornings via ZOOM, lovely neighbours, many, many stories of individual and collective positivity and joyous magical moments to cherish and remember for ever. 

My lovely friend Karen  from Brighton recently wrote moving of a happy birthday despite everything:

"I have just had a Birthday and my family and friends made it extra special because of lock down. Here is how it went:

Afternoon Tea arrived the day before, in a big pink box left on my doorstep from the White Van Man!  A present from my grown up children. What a wonderful idea. It was utterly delicious.
My husband had contacted my Mothers care home the day before and asked if they could take a picture of her to send through on his phone. They did a lovely placard with a Happy Birthday on it with her holding it up.My husband then framed it for me. Flowers and card also "from her"

Friends rang early morning to wish me a Happy Birthday.
Daughters and grandchildren arrived on our drive during the morning singing Happy Birthday from their cars!
Daughter made a chocolate Birthday cake and with BIG social distancing with had tea and cake on the drive. Husband and me on doorstep!

Balloons, flowers, homemade cards and lovely handmade bead necklaces from the little ones. It was so lovely to see them. I miss being with them so much. Talked to son, with his girlfriend and my sister on Face time in the afternoon. Husband cooked delicious 3 course meal in the evening.

My lounge looks like a florist. As the post is all over the place at present, cards have been arriving daily, so birthday is still on going!

Husband's present still hasn't arrived through Amazon and it's now 13 days from dispatch. A Birthday I will remember for a long time to come, for all the right reasons"


I hope the government will soon give us more clarity on how we will emerge slowly from this lock down. Personally I don't think any government whichever political party is in power, would know how to go about this in a way that suits everyone. The world will emerge from this so different from the one we knew. I hope it will be a kinder world for every living thing. A more simple life. I can't worry about things beyond my control. I have always said 'things happen for a reason'. Our paths are set before us and it's our choice as to which one we choose to follow. I always try to see the positive even in the negative"
...................
I imagine Karen's lounge ablaze with flowers as I think about more accounts of goodwill and good deeds from those with kind hearts:

From my amazing friend in Kent:
"Today I  cooked 100 shortbread biscuits for the over 70s WI ladies.  I am secretary of the local  WI and as we cannot meet and many of our members are self-isolating we decided on our last Zoom committee meeting that the committee members should bake food parcels for the 22 that are over 70 . So we had a mix of cakes, scones, cookies, sausage rolls and shortbread to share.  

We met at a car park and made up the packs while keeping our distance as much as possible then we went to the homes we had been allocated to deliver to.  It was a fun thing to do and the ladies were very appreciative, we have some real characters and they have all lived through so much that they are a great source of local info and stories.

 Several weeks ago a fabulous community support group for covid was launched and I signed up as a volunteer. So far I think we are around 130 volunteers and 140 clients who are isolating and need shopping, prescriptions, dogs walked or just have a chat etc.  Its very well run and we have a rota for taking phone calls which I do twice a week"

This lovely lady also works three days a week in a care home in Kent. I am full of admiration for her and others like her, like my neighbour who sews  hearts for the ITU at Royal Sussex County and also,  after speaking directly to the nurse involved , makes scrub bags and masks.

So much goodness alongside so much that is wrong, the bad and the ugly.

The bad

35 000  plus deaths so far in the UK.
Millions globally
No vaccine
No cure

Loss
Grief
Inequality
Poverty
Loneliness
Anxiety
Heartbreak
Despair
Lack of trust
Broken promises over testing, not yet resolved.
No contact tracing app as yet workable.
No clear direction, the way ahead is shrouded in mist.

As I feel myself floating vaguely  in a sea of inertia ugly sounds and images crowd in.

The ugly.

Division and increasingly bitter conflict.
Between people, politicians, high and low, rich and poor.
Between the four countries of the United Kingdom.
Between scientists.
Between politicians.
Increasing criticism of Boris Johnson's road map for the future.
As one  of those featured on that  perennial TV favourite Gogglebox said on viewing 'that' speech:

'Its not often a Government announcement needs a disclaimer-no rationality or scientific advice was used in this announcement'

Satire has become angrier, burning with furious rage. 

*Steve Bell in The Guardian

An edict to use 'common sense'  has led to an 
'each to his own' situation.
No one wins.
No one

Ugly scenes as crowds flood to beaches and beauty spots in the glorious sunshine

With car parks and toilets still closed keeping order became impossible. One seaside holiday park in Norfolk went public with a rant at "conceited and selfish day trippers" . claiming 'it was like an invasion' . (Waxham Sands, courtesy of Eastern Daily Press) 
............

Another sunny weekend is forecast. Another bank holiday ahead.
Oh the irony that this year of all years the UK has been blessed with day after day of glorious sunshine. The gradual easing of lockdown has brought chaos, uncertainty and fear but...maybe also hope? If there is no second spike? If we can slowly edge our way back into some kind of normal life? If I can see my beloved family once again.


This week my senses are numb, and I have embraced the emptiness. A thick blanket has enveloped my soul, dulling the pain in my heart.  With every passing week pieces have broken away like petals falling from a flower, I miss my family so much every sinew in my body hurts with the effort to hold my heart together. 
My Mothers Day cards still have pride of place in my lounge. 

After the raging waters of last week I have let myself drift, letting images wash over me, immersed in silence and distanced from the cacophony of reality. Enough. It is time to swim, to find a shore, to aim for a horizon. However far, however long, it is out there somewhere. 

Feeling angry

Feeling Angry

I am angry. My anger is growing by the day,  with each blind alley, dead end, U -turn in this surreal "roadmap"  proposed for easing the lockdown . Is this Government deliberately trying to get us lost? Because the only clear direction I can read in this map is 'you're on your own, folks'

Surely the responsibility for dealing with this pandemic should lie with those elected to lead us. Our country has a proud history of democratically elected Parliament, a legislative body in whom we gift power and control over our lives. The UK places complete trust in its Government to to govern. To guide us through this unknown territory. To listen to the science. To make complex life and death decisions on the way forward. Not to abandon us in a tangled web of confusion, contradictions, chaos.

Is this a diversion tactic, designed to avert criticism? Is this conspiracy theory talk? If it is, it is one increasingly shared amongst media commentators, social media, and in the voices of us ordinary people feeling cast adrift into stormy waters without a life belt let alone a life raft.  

In easing the lockdown without clear guidance Boris Johnson has split the country asunder. Now we have lost our collective purpose, and our motto,  to stay safe,  individuals scatter this way and that, each searching for the best way out, heading in diverse directions, unsure of what lies ahead.

Decisions about life and death should not be handed over with the instruction to rely on common sense. To quote Bertrand Russell 'Most people would rather die than think, and many of them often do'  .  This is not to imply judgements, more that this quote so neatly illustrates the complexity of choices without context and information. In this current crisis people are being asked to make impossible life or death decisions without the knowledge to make them safely. 


It is hard to escape an inevitable fear of another surge in infection, given the only tool we have at our fingertips, our only safety net, is social distancing. Even with everyone's best intentions and the best will in the world it was obvious immediately the return to work began that this was unworkable. Even if it can be done in a workplace commuting is fraught with dangers. How long before people begin blaming those perceived to be thoughtless? How long before people to turn on each other when their safety is compromised?

Now this Government has decreed a wide range of businesses can open, the onus is on us to stay safe out there in an increasingly busy world. How? Imagine every person you can see has raw chicken on their hands. Would you want to pick up a discarded item? Would you want to put your fingers on a card payment machine? I do not want to open my own front door, let alone one strangers have poured through before me.  I am lucky in that I do not have to make those choices but others will and that makes me angry.

Everywhere the seeds of discord are growing. Pre schools and nurseries are keen to charge parents fees now they have permission to open from June 1st, demanding monies even from those who feel it is too early to send their children back.  Workplaces are telling employees childcare is no reason to not return to work, forcing parents to make life or death decisions it should not be up to them to make.

If social distancing is our only protection, surely sending toddlers and young children into environments where this is obviously impossible is tantamount to making them and their parents/carers walk the plank without knowing what lies in the deep dark waters below.  This virus is too recent to know anything for sure, the statistics imply children are not susceptible but no child is a statistic, every one is a precious gift.

I absolutely appreciate the need to kickstart our economy. Money is the bedrock of our society, it is the tie that binds families, neighbourhoods, culture, society. It is vital to acknowledge the centrality of our economy to our everyday live. But easing the lockdown to release industry and commerce in such a haphazard way is surely irresponsible.

I am angry on behalf of everyone up and down the country facing individual unenviable decisions about their work, their childcare, the consequences on their lives. I count my blessings neither I nor anyone I love have yet had to make impossibles choices but the time may come and at what cost.

I am angry because I am heartbroken that my dream of reuniting with my family is still out of reach, still glimmering out there on the horizon.  Despite the fact that I can now sell my house, buy another, hire a cleaner, a childminder, visit a garden centre, a market stall, this Government has signalled that it is not yet safe for grandparents and grandchildren to meet other than on a one to one basis outside within social distancing rules. 

OF COURSE IT IS NOT SAFE.  The brutal fact is that neither is showing strangers around houses, letting in a cleaner, opening schools, etc ,etc...there  is a basic illogicality to this new road map no one in officialdom has even tried to explain. It has been left to satirists to sum up just how ludicrous the situation is, as well just plain sad.

Plus , given the current focus on the country's economy,  there is another storm looming. In a matter of weeks, by the end of June, is the final deadline for any Brexit transition extension request, otherwise the UK leaves on Dec 31st, with or without a deal.

Previously Boris Johnson has pledged not to extend the transition, although rumours are rife now that the UK may ask for another 6 months given the unforeseen global pandemic and the inevitable suspension of trade deal talks,  why not ask for the maximum 2 years? If/when a deal is agreed we can still leave at any time within this period so what would be the harm?

In normal times, pre coronavirus, verdicts were divided on the long term benefits of Brexit but unanimous on short term disruption and negative economic impact. The eventual vote went to long term gain over short term pain but that was before. Surely now even this Brexit focused government should be considering the speed of our exit,  given our economy is already flat lining? 

Here's a thought..if us ordinary mortals now have to decide if it is safe to head back to work, to send our young children into schools, to climb onto a crowded bus or a tightly packed tube, how about asking our opinions. If our 'great British common sense' is enough to guide the country out of lockown then why not trust us to  make a common sense decision on a Brexit extension review.

More conspiracy theories talking, maybe, but I have a horrible feeling that  avoidance of discussion, lack of headlines, no new storm forecast, might be deliberate. I hope I am wrong because we are the everyday folk at the mercy of the virus, at the mercy of the economy, and we deserve to be treated with respect.

I feel angry because I feel helpless. In 2020  this Government was elected with a landslide majority on the back of 43% of votes cast, which translates to 29% of the total electorate. Not exactly a ringing endorsement but as a result of this election we now have a Government with total power and control over our lives.  Regardless of party politics, it has a job to do, which is to govern. Whether I agree with the road ahead it chooses or not, the roadmap should show directions to a destination not a vague. shadowy, unreadable blur.

I so hope I am wrong. I hope I am wrong about everything. I hope that comments flood in with rational context to reassure my overwrought mind. The last few months have brought so much emotion, fear, anxiety, sadness, boredom, rainbow moments of unexpected pleasures but never, until this week, anger.  Anger is a destructive emotion, it brings out the worst in people, myself included. I hate feeling angry. 

Feeling lost

Feeling Lost

Another long bank holiday weekend gone, lost to the mists of pandemic time. The 75th anniversary of VE Day on Friday May 8th was always going to be awkwardly muted under the sombre  circumstances. On Sunday Boris Johnson's much heralded speech on easing the Lockdown was so confusing I found myself completely lost, a sensation shared with much of the country. I write this after several days of trying to find my way but am still disorientated. 

Last Friday glorious sunshine for the so long planned and keenly anticipated VE day anniversary public holiday. Alas, events large and small were inevitably cancelled weeks ago. Locals everywhere tried their best, bunting fluttered in a gentle breeze, union jacks hung from gateposts. a few brave souls even sat gamely in their front gardens with tea and cake in the spirit of planned street parties. 

Once again it was up to the Queen to lift the nations spirits, her  speech a tribute to our shared past, our present and our future.  Eight million listened as she echoed her father 75 years ago, words of remembrance, pride, and optimism  . There will come a time when we can gather to celebrate the end of this war too, time to cherish our loved ones and commemorate those we lost, time to rejoice. 

'Never give up, never despair'. This too will pass.


Then,  on Sunday , Boris Johnson on strategies to ease the Lockdown.  An audience of millions listened. And were completely baffled. His speech was  full of (im) possibles and (im) probables, within hours members of the cabinet trying to clarify the new rules found themselves at the mercy of repeated gaffes and repeated clarifications. 

One thing is crystal clear . The United Kingdom is no longer The Governments new slogan of 'Stay alert, control the virus and save lives' is universally dismissed by Wales, Scotland, North Ireland and universally ridiculed here in England, as per below:

An indistinct shadowy outline of this 'exit strategy' emerged after the publication of a 50 page book of guidelines on Tuesday to aid business, schools, employers large and school, hospitality, etc. In essence the plan is that workplaces should begin to look at safely reopening, likewise primary schools, maybe from June 1st, likewise shops, and from July, hairdressers, hospitality... That key word 'safely' is where this makes no sense, where even a 50 page book of hints and tips is not enough to stop everyone feeling lost.

 There was one high point  when on Tuesday the Chancellor announced welcome news that the Job Retention Scheme, otherwise known as furloughing, is to be extended into the autumn in conjunction with employers.

As employers and employees begin the nightmarish task of  working out the hows, whys and wherefores of returning to work, the more than 1 in 5 British workers currently in receipt of Government funds paying 80% of their wages must be breathing a collective sigh of relief.

Thank goodness for this bonus point,  because I see a shaming roll call of media across the world citing as 'incomprehensible' Britain's botched testing, our poor care home response , our lack of contact tracing, in essence our failure to learn valuable lessons on tackling despite being one of the last places in Europe to be badly hit.

https://inews.co.uk/news/health/coronavirus-lockdown-analysis-world-reacts-britain-incomprehensible-response-testing-care-home-crisis-2847766?fbclid=IwAR0n9Gvb4ona-XPRbRR4ioocDFN-F42pmv4yuR7oiGxcmghoQU1CQVK7BnU

Today is Wednesday, the day proposed for workers who cannot work from home to head  back to work if possible. It is chaos. Nothing shows clearer than these images the impossibility of this happening safely. Oxford Street and Regent Street in London were deserted at the weekend, today streets across London became a heaving mass of humanity, at the mercy of killer virus with as yet no cure.
Saturday , During lockdown :

And today. Easing the lockdown:

Boris Johnson has urged us as a nation to move forward gradually, baby steps, together,  relying on 
Great British Common Sense. 
Really. Right, that's fine then.  Open up garden centres, sports , schools, workplaces, and rely on common sense. I have given up trying to understand what is going on. Trade Unions are up in arms, conflicting advice is everywhere, every turn is a cul de sac of frustrating U turns and dead ends. Proposals for schools to go back in June have  been met with universal condemnation by teachers and teachers unions, who regard it as impossible to do safely, as neatly summed up in this cartoon:

There is no magic bullet to beat this virus, as yet there is no cure. Our weeks of lockdown has added capacity to the NHS for those who succumb but we have no cure, only the need to stay safe, as then, as now.  However, the economy has crashed and the country is now in a recession, with a dire financial forecast.

I cannot make sense of easing the lockdown guidelines.  I am lost. Until I can see a way ahead, I shall abide by this plain common sense version: 

1. You can now have a childminder, a cleaner, a gardener, a tradesman or an estate agent in your house.
2. You can go to work if you cannot work from home.
3. You can go to many shops.
4.  You should stay at home and not mix with people outside your own household
Numbers 1 -3  are economic advice.
Number 4 is scientific advice.
You decide if you wish to follow the science for yourself.........

Breadown in lockdown

Breakdowns in Lockdown?


As the media buzzes with news of the latest high profile figure to be caught breaking the lockdown rules, I sense around me growing disengagement and disenchantment.  I see and hear disquieting evidence that lockdown is privately as well as publicly  breaking down.

Professor Neil Ferguson , senior Government adviser those advice directly led to the UK lockdown, resigned on Wed May 6th after allowing his married lover to repeatedly visit his home in direct contravention of his own rules.  This followed in the footsteps of Scotland's Chief Medical Adviser, forced to step down recently for flaunting her own advise to 'stay at home' by merrily heading herself to her second one for weekends away.

No surprise then that the current catchphrase is  'breakdown in lockdown?'    News emerges of underground hairdressers,  undercover gyms, secret sports matches, secret garden parties, you name it, people are finding ingenious ways to justify doing it. A complex web of "flexible interpretations" is emerging as people seek to make sense of the continually changing, conflicting and mixed messages from our Government.


I am not surprised. I do get it. I try to understand. As someone wiser than me wrote: 

'I do not walk in their shoes.
I do not know their stories.
It is not my place to judge.' 

But it is hard not to despair when I see not one but nine, yes 9, active building sites in our village, with non social distancing builders whose vans block the pavements forcing pedestrians into the oncoming ( and now as busy as ever) traffic. 

Hard not to despair at the sight of a football match on the village green, in flagrant breach of the rules, being condoned, even applauded, by locals. Hard not to despair at a large group of cyclists blatantly riding through the village proudly displaying their club logos on their vivid green vests.

Hard not to despair when I hear comments I can never un-hear, especially when dropped with confidence within communal virtual coffee meetings. I empathise with a friend who sadly predicated her social circles may be much reduced post lockdown.  Strong friendships will endure, these bonds have held through worse than this, but circumstantial ones , minus the ties of circumstance, have exposed underlying differences which may be hard to forget, let alone forgive.

I do understand. How can I not? It is clearly illogical to queue to enter a supermarket at the mercy of an indistinct  chalk 2 metre marker , then to shop inside a confined space with little social distancing enforcement and  then be banned from a social distanced coffee/walk.  The sense that 'we' have been treated like children resonantly daily and clearly impacts on rebellious attitudes across society, top to bottom.

Yet against despair there is much that unites us. My daily walk brings delight and hope to balance depressing sights of  breakdowns in lockdown.  People are finding unique, wonderful ways to stay safe and still bring us together. Every day a family in the village pose stuffed animals on the communal verge  to delight and absorb passing locals. This inspirational 'shared' pastime fills me with joy. 

Villages find painted shells on garden walls, lining the kerbs, as if by magic, a visible symbol of why we are where we are, a physical reminder of the nations shared resolve to survive this storm and emerge into the sunlight,

This post contains tales from  near and far and this from New Zealand which brought home to me how messy and bleak it can feel here. Every day brings more broken promises, more bleak news of grim death tolls, more confusing rhetoric and contradictory advice.  I look at my rainbow shell in hope that despite breakdowns we are holding strong, as they did over there.

Claire from Wellington, New Zealand.

New Zealand went officially into lock down on Wednesday 25th March at 1159pm . We had just over 48 hours notice to get ready for this . I remember feeling very on edge the week before sensing that  something was about to happen and  I remember a sense of urgency over the weekend arranging to see our son on the Monday saying he must come now or it will be too late to see him. My prediction was confirmed with the 1pm news on the Monday. We all sat listening to Jacinda Arderne our Prime minister as she declared the state of emergency for the nation.I am so pleased we were together as a family at that defining moment. . It was one of those moments which will always be etched on my memory as we sat listening to the news over lunch together. 

Since then there has been many broadcasts at 1pm  with the nation watching their TV sets and  hanging on every word from Ashley Bloomfield our Director of Health usually with our Prime Minister about the latest Covid-19 news. I was working though the period as a nurse considered an essential worker. I could not stay home, we were all in this together.  No matter whether I was at work or home  I listened, we all listened to that bulletin. 


Since then events have moved on in New Zealand we have gone to level 3 as the virus has hopefully been contained over here. Its become less of a threat but still there, an unseen enemy. Tragically in the UK not gone away yet. It will one day . 

Meanwhile this week I am made aware again of the threat as my mum in a rest home in the UK is unwell with a slightly raised temperature. My brother phoned on his birthday to say Mum was in isolation and needed to be tested for Covid-19 . Thankfully she seems okay , very puzzled to be treated by nurses in full protective gear and left to cope on her own for many hours of the day. The staff say she is coping well with the isolation despite the dementia. Yes amazing my Mum, she remembers the war years as a child in the UK , the long queues at the shops and hiding in a bunker in the garden when the air raid alarms sounded. The enemy then could be seen or heard only this time its different . A silent enemy, thankfully for mum and the rest of the home the swab result is negative and life in the home can go back to some sort of normality. 

.........................................

If only we in the UK had the same sense of one united purpose. I know of people , folk who would 'normally'  look askance at parking on a double yellow line,  whose longing to see family has led them to decide on visiting other households against all the 'stay at home' primary advice. 

For others loneliness has led to social distancing coffee mornings, sitting in chairs in the open air chatting 2 metres away, in gardens, on verges, in parks.   We are all at the mercy of circumstance, we all make our own ways through this journey, but I cannot help worrying the consequences and significance of all these small individual decisions coming together into collective disaster.  

If I am honest, I am  envious of those who have found ways to see their loved ones. My  heart is breaking for my family but we are too many, too distanced, too multi generational, it is impossible to even consider. I long for change but how? One possible proposal of a 'social bubble' of 10 people in future weeks fills me with dread. How can families to choose who to see and who not, to select one grandma and not another....my mind simply refuses to go there. 

Instead my mind consumes itself with worry about the stresses and strains everyday living and working from home is having on everyone I love.  Nor am I alone is sensing a gradual breakdown not just in lockdown but in the early positivism households embraced  as the weeks take their toll,  as is evident is this update from Grace.

Grace Austin 

Working Lives

The experience of members of my small family demonstrates the impact of the virus on working life. I have a small pension income which I contribute to our shared income. This would normally be doubled by hosting singers from Glyndebourne during the spring and summer. Of course they will not arrive this year. 

The annexe where they would have stayed now houses my daughter, her partner and their baby in exile from London. They are both self employed and their income has plummeted to zero since Lockdown. As a sound technician for bands playing large venues round the world her partner will probably be out of work for many months if not years. He is starting to consider alternative ways of earning a living – music teacher? Difficult at the moment with social distancing. He will apply for the self employed payment which launches in June. My daughter, a media professional, is already seeking work locally through friends and contacts here. She was scheduled to return to work after maternity leave in the Autumn but feels she will have to return sooner. She will not qualify for the self employed payment, having been in receipt of minimum maternity pay as a self employed person. 

At the other end of the scale my other daughter is working full time as a senior manager in a performance company and caring three days a week for her 3 year old child. The stress was palpable in her voice when we spoke on the phone. The tears came as she talked of her duty towards the artists and students she works with, and the challenge of Zoom meetings with her child just out of screen shot. She said neither the work nor the childcare reach her usual standards. 

Normally there would be nursery and shared childcare with friends as support, and her partner would have been available before he was asked to work longer hours as one of our key workers, on minimum wage, protected only by gloves, growing vegetables and delivering boxes across Kent. Many of her friends are in the same situation, especially key workers in transport and care, stretched to their limits. She is going to take annual leave in order to have a break from this level of stress as furloughing her position appears to be out of the question. If it continues much longer she may well seek to reduce her hours and accept the inevitable pay cut. 


My husband continues to work part time from home with, perversely, his international organisation saving money by substituting Zoom meetings for face to face ones, and as a result of the cancellation of seminars and conferences. The organisation wonders how the international projects that they have awarded grants to will be implemented.  

He and I run an environmental organisation and before Lockdown we were engaged in collaborations with a visual art gallery and an international performance organisation for which we have agreed to supply materials. We still have contracts with these organisations and are able to continue the management processes which will see these obligations fulfilled at a later date. But of course income will be delayed and we are hesitant about undertaking the bulk of the work in a time of uncertainty.


We are fortunate that we are able to support our family. They are established and no-one will go hungry or lose their home. These young people are skilled and resilient and will be able to adapt to whatever the next stage in the drama will be. My hope is that we will not return to the old status quo and that we can support them in visualising and forging new ways of working and living when the crisis is over. 

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Another regular contributor, Steve Eagle, sent this update about his own changing work life balance:

For me personally, lockdown continues to be bittersweet. The sweetness is in seeing my little boy grow. Almost 9 months old now and I’ve seen so much more of him than I would have done without lockdown. I notice the subtle changes in his development. Priceless changes that I would have not noticed so much if I was not at home. 

One big change though is that since 15th April I’ve been working from home rather than being on furlough. I’m the only one in my department working which puts a lot of pressure on me especially when the survival of the charity or at least some people’s jobs feel considerably in my hands. 

This has been great in terms of the desire I had to do something to help in the crisis. I am providing chaplaincy/pastoral care support to the homeless and others over the phone and fundraising to help ensure that the charity survives this crisis. 


I see far less of my little boy and it makes me sad when I imagine that he thinks I’ve lost interest in him and would rather be on my laptop which is of course not the case. 

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Steve is not the only one struggling with work life balance, a tricky situation at the best of times and this is certainly not one of those.  His desire to contribute in a divided and unequal society is one I truly believe we all share. Time hangs heavily on those who cannot work, especially those now furloughed or out of work. The economic pressure on individuals and our society grows by the day. 

The early impetus to use the time usefully for many has faded away into frustration and longing to return to normality. A 70 year old friend in Lewes has penned an ode to lockdown to end this post on a lighter note as he reflects on passing this time. His articulate , funny alphabet brings a welcome reassurance of shared purpose, neighbourliness, pulling together , sticking together, bonding together.

An A to Z of Lockdown

A Adapting

We are all adapting, using new technology, socialising differently, shopping differently. We’ve coped better than expected. That doesn’t mean we aren’t sometimes yearning for lost freedom.

B Books

Not read as many books as might have been expected. I’ve escaped from the real world reading thrillers, The Silent Patient by Alex Michaelides and John Le Carre’s Agent Running in the Field. 

I remembered the good old days when we only had to worry about Brexit when reading Decline and Fail, a collection of John Crace’s parliamentary sketches written for The Guardian, signed copy no less.

C Clapping
We have been clapping for NHS staff and they sure deserve our appreciation, but C could also be for carers and I am thinking of my Mum’s care home where residents have succumbed to Covid-19. Also the NHS is not and should not be a charity.

D Decluttering

Decluttering hasn’t really happened, but a few days ago I did decide that I no longer needed receipts for curtains a a former house.

E Essential

We are allowed out for essential shopping. I used to quite often buy Tesco’s Finest products. Now it has to be Waitrose Essentials.

F Fear

Covid-19 is scary and there is much to fear, but F could also stand for friendliness – a ‘we are all in this together’ Lewes love-in. More fear, I fear, in urban areas.

G Garden

Sunshine and rain means the garden grows and we have been planting. The garden centre made a joint delivery to houses on our road. My wife ordered Miracle Gro; she is still the same height.

H Hair

Hair today, not gone tomorrow or the day after. When can I get my hair cut?

I Inequality 

Covid-19 has highlighted inequality. Enough said.

J Jokes 

There is not much to laugh about but jokes in some Radio Four comedies, Have I Got News for You, The Mash Report, Private Eye and some social media content can still make me smile. 

K Kia 

Our ‘new’ car is a Kia. Six weeks on from when we bought it, it has done all of 47 miles. At this rate our annual mileage will be 407. 

L Landport Bottom 

I don’t know why the downs at the top of the Nevill Estate are called Landport Bottom but almost every day we are hugely grateful for having this space on our doorstep, where lambs gambol, skylarks sing and you can see for miles. We’ve also explored nearby woodland and found bluebells. 

M Money 

We are saving money. A week ago I bought a paper in the local shop. It was the first time I had used cash in over a month. 

N. Neighbours 

We are lucky to have neighbourly neighbours. We have a WhatsApp group. We help each other with shopping. Every morning at 11 am we gather in the street for a socially distant but still social chat. My wife volunteered with Nevill Good Neighbours, for example shopping for housebound Nevill Residents or collecting prescriptions. 

O Obituaries 

I confess that I began looking at obituaries on the Guardian website some time ago. Now there are lots of them. 

P Plants 

With time on their hands and shopping more difficult it seems lots of people are trying to grow their own vegetables and we are no exception. We don’t have a greenhouse and while still delicate there are tomatoes, cucumbers, courgettes etc. in pots on our kitchen floor. Often these are gifts. Never look a gift horse in the mouth means always put a gift plant in the house. 

Q Quizzes

We’ve taken part in a couple of Zoom quizzes hOur score? You could say we zoom-bombed.

R Richards

Richards are our local butchers and they also sell fruit and veg, bread and milk a few other groceries. They have made their shop safe – two customers at a time, they have started deliveries. They deserve our support.

S Sky

These days the sky seems clearer. A Gatwick plane is a rare sighting. There are far fewer cars on the

road. Seems like an upside to lockdown, but I think I’ll still want to fly occasionally and visit places by

car.

T Television

At the end of the day we generally want to sit down and watch something on the television. There are programmes we recorded long ago: we’ve now seen the first series of Killing Eve. We have been able to piggy back on Netflix subscription and have enjoyed The Crown a lot more than we thought we would. Our TV is smart and we are smart enough to access YouTube on the TV, in particular the National Theatre screenings

U Untruths

We really need political leaders with integrity who will speak honestly rather than hide facts and utter untruths. The plucky British people are not going to ‘defeat coronavirus’; they are going to have to learn to live with it for a while and it is only a co-ordinated international effort that might

eventually defeat it.

V Vinyl

We bought a turntable at the start of lockdown. It connects to the music system in our living room to provide listening for lockdown. We have listened to some of our old vinyl LPs, some of them never

played for over 50 years. Hearing an early Al Stewart LP was a delight and amazingly we could still remember the lyrics. Somehow we seem to have four Cliff Richard LPs.

W WhatsApp

I wonder how many WhatsApp groups have been created in the UK since lockdown. Communication is important but you can have too much a good thing. My phone has limited storage capacity. Question: How did you spend your time during lockdown? Answer: Much of it was spent deleting videos, memes and emoji. The constant beeping from phones is possibly a warm up to being in intensive care surrounded by electronic equipment.

X Xiaomi

Help. There aren’t many words beginning with X. Fortunately Citizens Advice have just bought a Xiaomi phone for me. Unfortunately it uses the O2 network and there is no O2 signal in my study. It will work OK in the back bedroom upstairs so now on Citizens Advice days I’m talking to clients upstairs and writing up at my desk downstairs; the challenges of WFH.

Y Yearning

Wouldn’t it be great to have a meal out, see a film at The Depot, be by the sea, go up to London for an exhibition and a play, visit our daughter  in Bristol or have a holiday with our son and his wife. I’d also like to be able to visit my Mum. I think I’ll be yearning for some time yet.

Z Zoom

Zoom is the obvious choice for Z. I hadn’t heard of it before lockdown. There has been a Zoom boom during lockdown, but most other companies are not booming and many will go bust. Recession and depression. What to do? Perhaps put an old Cliff Richard LP on the new turntable.

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Thursday is 'clap for carers' night. The nation unites, in hope, in praise, in optimism.  Our Government has promised strategies to release the stringent lockdown restrictions at the weekend. The sun is shining. I will stay positive.  Here's hoping the road ahead opens up for everyone soon.  

Ups and Downs

'Ups and Downs'

Friday once again. Nothing has changed. Boris Johnson's first appearance at the daily Downing Street press conference since returning to work post illness brought nothing new. A dialogue of ups and downs amidst a backdrop of endless statistics and promises of possible proposals for possible scenarios for a possible eventual exit strategy.

The PM's optimistic assurance that 'we have passed the peak'  was immediately contradicted by Chief Medical Officer Professor Chris Whitty's pessimistic statement of  'we are nowhere near the end of this epidemic...there is a very long way to run' .  I  felt a surreal sensation akin to Alice in Wonderland disappearing down a rabbit hole, where nothing is real and nothing is as it seems.

Boris Johnson described coming through the peak as emerging from 'an alpine tunnel'.  I am not convinced by his sentiment or his geographic metaphor. Much as I would dearly love to believe the worst is over it is hard to see anything clearly yet, let alone envisage the sunny uplands of an alpine meadow. I wish I could.

When I first began writing this diary I visualised walking down a narrow country lane, at times ablaze with vibrant spring colour, at others shrouded in dark shadows. Now I see it the journey as one of ups and downs, of steep hills and deep descents, in a multi hued landscape with glimpses of an azure blue sea glinting on a far horizon. 

These ups and downs mirror my current moods,  the current capricious, unseasonable weather and the highs and lows of living in lockdown as the world grapples with this invisible deadly enemy. 

Despite an obvious immediate need to focus on this current crisis, there is increasing criticism here of past, present and future management.  Society, originally unexpectedly compliant in lockdown rules, is breaking down too, as evidenced in many media reports of infringements. 

I have been involved in a number of social policy think tanks recently so it is no surprise to read this on the BBC website today:

'Responses to a series of surveys over the last month suggest the country has gone from apprehension at the start through to dejection as the economy shrank and the death toll mounted. People have moved on to frustration in the most recent analysis as restrictions begin to grind and reality dawns as to how long they may last.  is the increasing frustration and boredom translating into exasperation? Are we reaching the point where people will start to ignore the rules.' 

Good question.  I have lost count of the voices publicly and privately questioning the Government's approach and I will happily add mine: less of the treating us like children please, give us more reality and less spin!

This eloquent, angry, letter came from a friend who is a key NHS worker and a civil celebrant this week describing her experiences on a 'hot site' and her feelings about her current situation.
.........................

A  'hot' site is a drive in  clinic for pt with Covid symptoms to get treatment/assessment.  nhs 111 directly book appts from their calls, there are 3 Hot sites in east Kent. ashford/folkestone/Dover. One GP one nurse and one admin work at the sites on a rota from local surgeries.  Money was drawn down from government for the structure portacabin and tents for each bay on the car park. But it is staffed by local gp surgeries who pay us as their staff. 

Our ppe is coming from local supplies including a local volunteer who is sewing the scrubs.   Currently I’m on the rota every other Wednesday at the hot site but if we get more support from other surgeries I hope I can do less. Not that I’m shirking but as I’m doing 2 funerals a week as well as working at the surgery 3 days I want to limit my contact.   

My partner is doing teaching on line still. Schools here are only seeing key workers children and then not all. His school has 2 children turn up out of 1400 so they are closed and the pupils gone to a primary school. One of my relatives is stuck at home with 3 children one of whom is severely autistic (his school is shut) and the primary won’t take her other two even though her partner is a teacher at a special school and is working every day because she is at home.  No one can help due to infection risk.It’s so crazy.  

I think when people can’t see the problem they don’t realise how serious it is. A neighbour the other day said she was glad it hadn’t reached this part of the country . OMG.  I’m not going to shatter her illusions she must think I’m over cautious going off with my mask on!  If all my friends/family and colleagues get through this that’s all I ask for. 

If I know anyone who voted Tory ever I’d like them to see what is going on and don’t be fooled that they are ‘doing their best’. Horrifed that there’s talk of lifting the lockdown while the hot sites are set to run at least for the next month.

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Another friend summed up eloquently how within our own friendship groups we can all sense the breaking down of consensus

" I get the feeling there are small shifts among us to use safe judgements about 'safe relating' with those we have decided are indeed safe.  As for 'public health'  - I think the public behaves more, not less, responsibly with full information, rather than a mix of ignorance, scaremongering and wishful thinking...."

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In a bid to curb our exhaustion with the long slow uphill climb and to reward us with a view at the top before we drop down again  the BBC themed today  'positive thinking'.  Things 'we' have learnt during lockdown. 

So here is my 'view from the summit' moment of reflection. I have learnt how much I love my life.  I have a wonderful husband, four wonderful children, now with wonderful partners and four wonderful granddaughters. My family are my world. 

I have enjoyed my career, fulfilling my ambitions,  obtaining a PHD , worked alongside incredibly stimulating people of all ages and backgrounds. 

In the last decade I have had the luxury of enough health, wealth and time to fulfil my ambition to travel. Backpacking solo throughout Asia, Central and South America, Cuba, India, Indonesia, Australia, the list goes on as I discovered reserves of physical and mental energy I never knew I had having amazing adventures.

I have lived happily in the same lovely village near Lewes for over 30 years, building up a strong sustaining network of friends , I enjoying spending my time in their company, I value their support.

Last year my husband took a sabbatical so we could head off to NZ for 3 months, rather than waiting until he (ever) retires. I am so, so glad we did not delay this, it was fabulous. Treasured memories. Who knew then what this year would  bring. 

I do not want to learn new life skills, I just want my normal everyday life back. I cherish it, it is full of everything I love. If this lockdown has taught me anything, it is to appreciate the life I have, the life I long to return to, everyone safe and sound.

Today, it being Friday and in keeping with the BBC s upbeat topic,  I shall finish on a positive note. My heart goes out to those in grief and despair in this awful time and I know laughter can seem self indulgent and insensitive in the face of such sadness. However, today I will allow myself a moment of light relief, a breather at top of an uphill struggle,  with this humorous post from Club 971:


Lockdown lingo - are you fully conversant with the new terminology?    

Coronacoaster
The ups and downs of your mood during the pandemic. You’re loving lockdown one minute but suddenly weepy with anxiety the next. It truly is “an emotional coronacoaster”.

Quarantinis
Experimental cocktails mixed from whatever random ingredients you have left in the house. The boozy equivalent of a store cupboard supper. Southern Comfort and Ribena quarantini with a glacé cherry garnish, anyone? These are sipped at “locktail hour”, ie. wine o’clock during lockdown, which seems to be creeping earlier with each passing week. 

Le Creuset wrist
It’s the new “avocado hand” - an aching arm after taking one’s best saucepan outside to bang during the weekly ‘Clap For Carers.’ It might be heavy but you’re keen to impress the neighbours with your high-quality kitchenware.

Coronials
As opposed to millennials, this refers to the future generation of babies conceived or born during coronavirus quarantine. They might also become known as “Generation C” or, more spookily, “Children of the Quarn”.

Furlough Merlot
Wine consumed in an attempt to relieve the frustration of not working. Also known as “bored-eaux” or “cabernet tedium”.

Coronadose
An overdose of bad news from consuming too much media during a time of crisis. Can result in a panicdemic.

The elephant in the Zoom
The glaring issue during a videoconferencing call that nobody feels able to mention. E.g. one participant has dramatically put on weight, suddenly sprouted terrible facial hair or has a worryingly messy house visible in the background.

Quentin Quarantino
An attention-seeker using their time in lockdown to make amateur films which they’re convinced are funnier and cleverer than they actually are.

Covidiot or Wuhan-ker
One who ignores public health advice or behaves with reckless disregard for the safety of others can be said to display “covidiocy” or be “covidiotic”. Also called a “lockclown” or even a “Wuhan-ker”.

Goutbreak
The sudden fear that you’ve consumed so much wine, cheese, home-made cake and Easter chocolate in lockdown that your ankles are swelling up like a medieval king’s. 

Antisocial distancing
Using health precautions as an excuse for snubbing neighbours and generally ignoring people you find irritating. 

Coughin’ dodger
Someone so alarmed by an innocuous splutter or throat-clear that they back away in terror. 

Mask-ara
Extra make-up applied to "make one's eyes pop" before venturing out in public wearing a face mask. 

Covid-10

The 10lbs in weight that we’re all gaining from comfort-eating and comfort-drinking. Also known as “fattening the curve.