leaden skies

 Leaden skies 

My mood is as dark as the skies. Drizzle cloaks everything in a wet shroud. The weather is gloomy and depressing, as am I.  It seems as if for every step forward  there is an equal one backwards. 

The city of Leicester now has the unwelcome accolade of being the first place in England to warrant a new lockdown owing to a sudden surge of COVID infections. Just as England was progressing towards the next stage of 'opening up' on  July 4th, a major rise of cases has necessitated this local shutdown and acerbated pervasive anxieties that this rush to return to normal is too much too soon and everything could go horribly wrong. 

Today marks 100 days into lockdown. Stories abound of those who have found it a life affirming positive time. I am not one of them. I have made done my best to make the best of it, enjoying the unexpected presence of  my daughter at home, enjoying the blossoming landscape as nature reinstated itself in glorious sights and sounds after the sudden cessation of society, but... I always craved my life back.  I longed for it every day, every week, every passing month. 

The recent intoxicating freedoms have been so exhilarating I am not sure I can face losing everything again. No matter that I cannot yet hug my grandchildren,  I can see them, be with them, play with them, talk to them. I can chat and laugh with my sons, enjoy a bbq in the garden.  I have missed all my family so much.  No amount of virtual calls will ever compensate. 

I hate the lack of social distancing shown by people who flaunt the rules as it puts us all at risk. However much I try to understand people choosing to flock to the beaches, the shops, even to raves and street parties,  seeing total abandonment of vital social distancing needed to stop contagion is heartbreaking. Protest marches, the one mass activity I absolutely can empathise with, have actually shown the best not the worst of society in action as the majority of the Black Lives Matter campaigns have been incredibly well organised.

Would it be even possible to lock this country down again, given the increasing disillusionment with politics and politicians and the increasing dire state of the economy? People have coped because they , we, I thought there was no choice, but could this consensus ever happen again now?

A Covid 19 Story

Thanks to Ann Holmes for summing up so articulately the emotions and experiences of many of us in this eloquent piece:

A Covid 19 Story

So, we can come out of our spring “hibernation”.  From the 4th July we can go to the pub, see our family at home, have our haircut etc. etc. etc.  Why does this not fill me with relief and joy?  I suspect it is because I cannot believe the danger is really over.  Is it because King’s College Zoe app’s statistics are telling me that,  although death rates and incidence of Covid 19 are much reduced, those of us who live in London and the South East should take particular care?  Is it because I have become so cynical about Boris Johnson and his bumbling actions (or rather belated actions, bereft of pre-planning) not to mention his defence of Cummings that I cannot believe that any policy he announces is in the interests of the public?  Or is it because my anxiety levels have been so heightened by this modern day plague it will take me a long time to shake off the feeling that the world is not quite right yet.  It is undeniable that it will never be the same again.

I don’t think I have been among those who have been most scared.  I have no underlying medical condition that has made me feel vulnerable.  Our daughter and son-in-law have probably been more worried about our health than we have.  So we haven’t been shopping for three months:  the one advantage of being 70 as far as I am concerned.  I have a lovely garden that has kept me busy for many hours.   I am watching a tiny wren seeking black fly, (or is it the winged ants that seem to be eating the black fly?) on a plant just outside my French windows as I write.  We can walk round the corner and be on the Downs in two minutes.  My husband and I have discovered many new walks.  I have been amused by his interest in discovering whether we have done our 10,000 steps!  The weather has been mercifully good.  I have been outside much of the time since March.  We have plenty of space to lose each other inside.

On the very first week of the lockdown I told my neighbours that I would be taking my coffee out onto my drive at 11 am every morning.  It has become a tradition and has cemented neighbourhood friendships and created some others.  I have even had my amateur attempts to cut my hair admired!  Zoom exercise and zoom meetings have kept me busy.  There is time to practise my guitar.  It has been great to see my book group and walking group friends online and how lovely that our walking group has started “distance walking” again.  We have enjoyed the entertainment that has been provided online and on TV.   Slides covering many years have been scanned onto my computer – a task I would never have got round to in ordinary times.  And I have managed to read Hilary Mantel’s wonderful Mirror and the Light!  

So, in fact, I think I have been one of the lucky ones.  Yet there has been an underlying feeling of loss.  No longer do our grandchildren who live just down the road come to stay for a night every Wednesday.  When school first closed we could wave at them as they ran around our garden with a parent on their way to the Downs every morning before starting school work.  That soon stopped.  Then we managed a few skype lessons online to try to give their parents a chance to get some work done but technological hiccups meant that purpose was not really served and interest waned.  We have had some distance chats in the garden but really miss the hugs.  

My 8 year granddaughter asked the other day (from a safe distance up a tree) what I thought would come first:  being allowed to stay with us or being able to play team sports.  I felt a pang of jealousy when my daughter and her family drove a distance to see the other grandparents for the first time a couple of weekend ago.  Not because I begrudged them the visit but I wanted to go and visit someone too!  At the same time neighbours drove to meet their daughter in Winchester.  We had planned to visit my 96 year old mother in a very sheltered place in Sheffield for her birthday at the end of March but had to cancel, of course.  Who knows when we can plan a visit again?  When the place closed down at the height of the pandemic I felt very emotional.  Perhaps we would never see her again.  Now the home is only allowing one booked visit at a time to their old folk.  Our scattered family gather together to skype on Sunday mornings but that is not the same.  Our car has only had two local trips since the middle of March.    

It is strange and good to see shops opening and people gathering in Lewes again.  It was very odd to walk through a ghost town for all those weeks.  A shame in a way that many of the cars have returned too!  I can’t help wondering whether the young people and others who have been gathering in larger numbers ever since the Cummings decided to test his eyesight by driving to Barnard Castle and who now seem to think the crisis is over will cause another spike in infections.  It has been interesting and sometimes a little uncomfortable to see how different friends and acquaintances have reacted to the restrictions imposed on us all.  I guess that reflects the divisions in society including the scientists and politicians though no-one I know is a covid-19 denier.  I suppose that is what comes from living in a large but relatively safe Lewes bubble.
Ann Holmes

June 2020


Clearing skies

I too believe life will never be the same again any time soon although on good days I hope it will be one day. On bad days I fear for myself but I fear far, far more for my family, for the loss of everything we have striven so hard to preserve. 

Leaden skies bring leaden moods. not least now as when the weather is bad I can see only too clearly what is still missing. I cannot meet friends or family inside safely. I cannot go to the gym, to the swimming pool, to the cinema, to a dance class, anything which involves being inside in close proximity carries danger. I sense with foreboding dark days ahead in autumn and winter, silent isolation behind closed doors unless we beat this virus. 

I can only hope. Stay optimistic, appreciate my health and the health of those I love, enjoy seeing my family and my friends , savour this time together and try not to worry it is only a respite.  As I write the sun is slowly but surely emerging, the light is winning the battle over the darkness. A good omen. 

In the glare of the sun

June 25th 2020



Today is the hottest day of an already hot year. Record breaking UV levels. The temperature is well over 30,  'dropping' only to 28 at night. Even I am too hot. 

The weather is our national obsession at the best of times and this year has been the worst of times. Soaring temperatures have shone blazing spotlights into our lives under lockdown. In the early weeks glorious spring sunshine helped me cope, I have a large garden and live surrounded by glorious countryside. 

The sunshine helped those furloughed to make the most of their unexpected free time cycling, walking, gardening.  It brought out the best in people, literally creating a sunny mood in an otherwise despairing nation. 

It failed those working in the NHS, care homes, those with no garden, those shielding who could not venture outside, those with limited resources. The heat inside PPE, in confined spaces, for those elderly or vulnerable, for the disposed, became an additional burden.

Forced by the glare of the sun to stay inside today,  I have taken the opportunity to review myriad diary accounts of lives under lockdown. Some sent to me personally but many more  I have been privileged to read through  working for Mass Observation and living histories projects.

I am struck as much by what is not here as what is. The silences of those hidden behind closed doors.  Entries sent to the universities in response to the annual May 12th 'diary day' request are labelled only by gender, age and location so it is hard to address race unless the author has chosen to mention it and most do not. 

However, despite every possible remedy, there is little doubt that the voices here reflect the experiences of the economically secure, the over 50s and most from London and the 'wealthy'  south. Those who have the luxury of time to write, those in tune with the need to preserve knowledge of this time for the future. So many people have no time or are of necessity focused only in the present moment. These are the silent invisible ones.

BAME people are finding a voice in the face of one too many murders, one too many insults, and the cruel truth that this ghastly virus appears to affect them more than white people and that research as to why is cruelly lacking. 



Black Lives Matter protest in Brighton, dignified, peaceful and perfectly social distanced. 

I am struck by how much Boris Johnson's rhetoric represents those of us who already have a voice. People like me. White, economically secure, educated professionals. 

Although as a proud misogynist our PM's lockdown speech in March stressing how awful it was to take away 'the ancient unalienable right of freeborn people in the United Kingdom to go to the pub' clearly demonstrated his disregard of us women, overall in his discourse to a  national audience  he predominately addresses 'us', the great British public , as those like myself, white, economically secure, educated professionals.   Yet 'we ' are not everyone. 'we' are not representative of Britain in 2020. 

I cannot make the invisible visible, sadly. I can and will in a later post describe the narrative themes of those lives I  do have,  articulate, eloquent accounts of the ups and downs of life under lockdown. All invaluable and truly welcome. As long as history does not forget the missing.  

Too much too soon?

Currently working on a forthcoming  'lives under lockdown' post I am distracted by the heat. It is making me edgy, tired, achy. Instead of collating diary entries from the past months I find myself musing on the present. 

Although I do feel my life is ebbing back, I am also aware there is much to watch out for. Whilst major relaxations of lockdown come into force on July 4th , in the relentless glare of todays sun the sheer complexity of keeping ourselves safe is hard to decipher

The crowds on the beaches today are past caring about social distancing. The new 'rules'-which will not be policed anyway- cite 1 metre plus only if 2 metres is not possible. Not that it is fine because it is hot to sit on someone elses beach towel. 



I simply do not know what to think other than to appreciate what I have whilst I have it. There is no doubt this lethal virus is still here. The trials of vaccines are just that, trials. But, on the plus side,  coronavirus does appear to less contagious in the open air/ in the heat so this sunshine is a bonus,  giving me breathing space to enjoy greater freedoms of lockdown easing in the relative safety of the outside and whilst the country's infection rate remains low.

Enough musing. An evening sunset walk in the glorious countryside beckons. Tomorrow is another day. 

Good days, bad days

Good days, bad days

An end is within my sight. On good days I can see it clearly. It shimmers like a fairy castle, my utopia of future hopes and dreams. It sits gloriously on the horizon almost within my reach. 

On bad days the end of this journey is hazy, a translucent bubble blown hither and thither, without substance and impossible to reach.

Since I last wrote this blog the UK's easing of lockdown has continued apace. The infection rate has continued to fall despite my original high anxiety. So far, despite mass protests for the 'black lives matter' movement and much greater social interaction, public and private, collectively we remain at low risk. Statistically. Relatively. 

There is no vaccine. The UK test and trace app is a failure, with another version now a work in progress due finally in Sept. The manual contact tracing scheme has been an acknowledged disaster. So as a country we are vulnerable to a second wave at any time, anywhere.

But. In the last few weeks I have enjoyed blissful family reunions with all my children and grandchildren. Social distancing has been surprisingly easy, children being extremely adaptable to play minus touch, to signs for love and hugs rather than a warm sticky embrace from grandma. 

I have emerged from dense woodland into sunlight. Days by the sea, days cycling along country lanes, days walking alongside friends and best of all the sheer happiness of being with my wonderful family once more. Even if we lose all these new freedoms tomorrow I am revived, in mind, body and spirit.   

In the last few weeks my household too has changed. My daughter has returned to her own home and returned to working in an office environment. There is a mountain of work which cannot be done remotely. Her  office is as COVID secure as possible, rigid social distancing and hygiene is well practised. She is the first of the family to physically return to work, which feels like a seismic change. 

Today Boris Johnson has announced a whole new raft of measures to kick start the economy, starting with reducing social distancing to 1 metre rather than 2 metres so as to open pubs, restaurants, cinemas, hospitality. Households can meet inside, albeit only (officially)  two at a time. A bubble counts as one household so this is a tad illogical. As are, to be honest, most of the new 'rules' so I sense a continuation of relying on common sense rather than instruction. 

Personally I have no intention of visiting a pub, a restuarant or a cinema, although I am keen on a COVID secure haircut from July 4th, whenever I can get an appointment.  I suspect it may be Xmas as the entire nation is sporting crazy lockdown hair.

In this pic  taken on seeing the sea for the first time recently my hair is waving in the wind as much as the waves in the water. Not good. 

Lest we forget

In the rush to return to normal it is easy to forget how ghastly this illness is, as was so eloquently described by a friend in April.

"Today was hard.

After removing my ppe after wearing for just 3-4 hours:

My nose is sore.

My eyes are bloodshot.

My mouth is dry.

My throat hurts from talking so loud to be heard with the mask on.

Im exhausted.

I came home and cried, cried at the reality of all of this. It so very sad. Life is tough right now, we are both working almost full time and juggling childcare between us with no help. I cried because I have to go from working a day like today and then be "Mummy" again tomorrow.

So many are struggling like us, so many are still dying, suffering and working so flipping hard. Everyone is incredible.

Sorry for the honest post but sometimes you have to be. This is our 'lockdown' reality right now, no lovely 'fun', activity photos from me today I'm afraid 😂"

..............

Nor is life anything like normal yet. Many children have not yet returned to school, most year groups will not go back now until the autumn.  Those due to sit exams have been given predicted grades. Cue despair, cries of unfairness and requests for re-marks. The education system is in crisis and who knows how long it will take to restore universal learning benchmarks let alone even open the schools fully as there are doubts this will be achievable even by Sept. University applications have plummeted due to proposals for online teaching only in 2020. 

The health care system, much of which was shut down during lockdown, is also in crisis, catching up with major procedures eg cancer treatments and 'minor' ones such as physio appts. It is impossible to calculate the true cost of this mass closure to the nations health.

The elderly and vulnerable are still elderly and vulnerable. 

I recently had this moving article from a dear friend describing her own work in a care home. She articulately revealed the complexity and sheer hard graft asked of those who care for people who cannot care for themselves. This fluent before and after account demonstrates how extreme the COVID situation is on everyone involved.  

    "After a 30 year career in the City working with the elderly could not have been further from my mind! The trigger came when I watched a Christmas TV advert by Age UK highlighting the loneliness of the elderly alone at home, I couldn’t stop crying so I applied to be a befriender there and then.  As with many charities who are short staffed and rely on volunteers the process was painfully slowly but finally I had my interview, DBS check and was approved.  

After a while  there was no one locally who needed a befriender so I volunteered with a weekly Age UK coffee morning at the nearby residential home before taking up a post as a Social Co-ordinator at the new nursing home.  Since ‘retiring’ I had set up a ladies networking group, joined the committee of the WI, become a trustee of a local horse rescue charity, joined a gym and running group but I still had time and really wanted to find a part time position that made a difference. 

 

As the care sector is highly regulated there was much new training ahead , especially as this job involves far more than sitting with a resident having a chat over a cup of tea.  The main function is to enhance the lives of the residents in the home which can be a challenge with ages ranging from 62 to 102 and varying physical and mental health issues.  

We are a team of 4 working part time and the management are very supportive in terms of the budget for activities, such as outside entertainers such as singers, musicians, comedians and even animals,  but most of our time is spent one to one with residents.

The arrival of Covid 19 in the UK and lockdown changed everything overnight.  As the home cares for the most vulnerable it was only right to close to all visitors but for many residents this was hard to understand, especially those with dementia who could not grasp the situation and would forget from one day to the next. 

 Some of the residents rarely ever left the home before the outbreak so had little understanding of what was happening in the outside world. When you are elderly and in care the focus of the day is mealtimes and family visits, as visits were stopped we have been filling the gaps by trying to spend more time with each resident.  

This is a challenge when you have a lot of residents with different needs but we try to make sure each person has 10 minutes on a one to one basis, especially those that are bed bound due to health issues or anxiety.  

Since lockdown we have introduced the residents to FaceTime, Skype and Zoom video calls with their family, this is not always been possible as the partner may not have the technology or the resident may be confused by what’s happening  or may have poor hearing which makes it impossible. Some have found the process very upsetting and episodes of aggressive behaviour or emotional shutdown afterwards. Many think they have been abandoned by their family and cannot understand why they do not come to see them anymore.  

Of course phone calls are the next best thing and we have been encouraging families to write letters or emails which we can read to the residents and include photos of what they have been up to. Not only are residents worried for their own health but also their friends and families outside who are exposed to the risk of catching the virus.

The regular visits by chiropodists, hairdressers, physio therapists, opticians, audiologists etc are still not permitted.  Many are overdue hospital scans, check-ups and treatment which may have a detrimental effect long term. It is frustrating that opticians and audiologists are not able to come as we have several residents feeling even more isolated as they have broken hearing aids and glasses. 

All these affect quality of life and by themselves may not be such an issue but added to the isolation and lack of family contact the impact is even greater.  

 When deaths at care homes finally hit the headlines residents became very concerned that they would be next. On 2nd April the Department of Health & Social Care, Public Health England and Care Quality Commission issued new guidance for the admission and care of residents during Covid.   

As part of the national effort they launched the Capacity Tracker to track bed vacancies in care homes across the UK which had to be updated daily so that the NHS could transfer patients to care homes to ensure hospitals had enough beds to treat Covid patients.  

Negative tests are not required prior to transfers to care homes as the Government felt that if the guidelines were followed in terms of isolation, social distancing, good hygiene and correct use of PPE would residents and staff would be protected. Sadly as we have read in the press many home have had high numbers of deaths as a result of this decision and no doubt this will be the subject of an investigation in the future. Why would you put covid patients in a home and expose the most vulnerable to such risk?

 Within this home each resident has their own suite which includes an ensuite bathroom however a lot of time is spent in the communal lounges and dining room areas.  After the April guidance was issued and hospital admissions arrived it was decided that residents should remain in their rooms for their safety.  

They did not understand why this was necessary as they were not ill, some of the residents with dementia wander and enter other peoples rooms and it was difficult for staff to monitor this and deal with the aggression. Most found this very stressful, they were already missing family and not being able to socialise with others did result in them feeling very low. 

We did not know how long this situation would continue and it was upsetting for us to hear comments such as ‘if I can’t see my family and have to stay in my room life is not worth living’.  These people are tough with some having survived wars, financial hardship or trauma during their lives and they were deprived of their liberty for reasons they did not understand.   After a week which was the isolation guidance, the restriction was lifted but social distancing continues, with residents often eating in their rooms as space in the communal areas is limited.

While you can argue that the residents are one household so should be able to mingle freely with each other the staff are returning to their homes, shopping for food, travelling on public transport etc so are at risk of bringing in the virus. We did have one admission from hospital who was tested positive for Covid but after 2 days his condition deteriorated and he was transferred back to hospital where sadly he died. The other admissions we have had are now well and out of isolation. Now that the numbers of new cases in the UK are falling and hospitals are coping we hope we don’t have more hospital cases.

The original grand street party with residents and family for VE Day on 8th May had to be cancelled but was replaced with a 'home'  party with a lovely singer who specialises in the 40’s entertaining via the patio.  

Luckily the weather was warm and sunny. We decorated the home with union jack bunting, red, white and blue balloons and streamers and the tables were arranged into one long row with red, white and blue table cloths and napkins. 

It really did look stunning and the activities team dressed in red, white and blue too.  The chefs researched what would have been eaten on the day and produced a delicious meal washed down with ginger beer and homemade lemonade.  We all enjoyed the songs of the day waving our flags and  ending on an emotional rendition of us all singing We’ll Meet Again. * and watching VE celebrations across the UK as we toasted Churchill’s speech with a glass of wine and cake.   

 The residents and staff are monitored with daily temperature checks, any staff member with a temperature or cough is sent home immediately.  At first the thermometer used was the type you put in the ear but some of the dementia patients would not have this done so now the nurses use thermometers which point at the forehead.  

On 1st June we received our first Covid testing kits and all residents and staff had swabs taken and all returned negative.  I say all residents but it’s a very invasive and uncomfortable test with a swab of the tonsils for 10 seconds which makes you gag and a nasal swab for 10 seconds that makes your eyes water.  Not surprisingly several of the dementia patients refused despite every effort to reassure them.  

We are still protecting the residents with all staff wearing face masks, however we are struggling with supplies of PPE as all care homes, health workers etc are trying to purchase from the same few suppliers.  At the moment the problem is sourcing large and extra large size gloves and an appeal was put on the local social media for supplies.

We continue to follow Government guidelines and are pleased that family can now visit although they cannot enter the home and have to speak through the window or stand by the front door with the resident seating a few metres away.   The visitors have to wear face masks and gloves and no physical contact is allowed. We set up a diary system to book in visitors to minimise the possibility of several arriving at the same time.  

Some of the resident have enjoyed these visits but others have not coped well and become upset and confused by the meeting.  There are several who have still not had a visit from their family as they are either vulnerable and isolating themselves or are concerned that the visit may cause distress"

................................

I wish her, the staff and all the residents a better time in the weeks ahead, and only wish the public had a greater understanding of this sector.  

* Vera Lynn died on June 18th, aged 103. Her death was headline news.

Happy times ahead

I hope against hope that the fairy castle I see ahead is not a mirage. That it is real, grounded, not adrift in a bubble about to pop. That this covid journey is near an ending of sorts.  A 'new' normal is fine if it allows me to see my family, my friends, to live a full life once more.

I have entries in my diary now after months of empty time. Social distancing walks with friends, lunch with relatives, family visits.  I know it is early days. I worry we will face another lockdown. I worry that these new freedoms will encourage recklessness and expose us all to danger once again. I know I will not reach the true end of this journey soon. 

But for now I am striding out confidently towards my castle of hopes and dreams.  I am planning hopefully for a holiday in our Norfolk cottage, I picture myself walking the sands, waving to the seals. Most of all I can see my beloved family once more 💓.  Today is a good day. 

 

Threads

Threads

It is now June. My locked-down life is unchanged. Yet the country is looking very different now. The strong web we all toiled and spun together to hold us safely has broken. Threads have floated away, people have sailed out into different directions, into the unknown.

Threads drift off taking people to work, to school, to play sports, to reunite with friends and family. I am not one of them. I am one of those still clinging to the web. Waiting.

Waiting for what? Good question. Who knows. Waiting with my loved ones to see what lies out there in the unknown before we take off  into it.

There is too much conflicting information. The Government s sudden relaxation of lockdown rules despite our high risk level and death rate has met with criticism from all around.  

Scientists have condemned the speed with which the UK is easing lockdown:

    "Five scientific advisers warned it is too risky to begin easing lockdown measures in England. As temperatures soar this weekend, the R is still dangerously close to 1 (it is currently estimated to be between 0.7 and 0.9) and incidence of the virus is still high. Five Sage experts warned that relaxing lockdown restrictions at this time risked a second surge. Their concerns were shared by the mayors of London and Greater Manchester, and by the deputy chief medical officer for England, Prof Jonathan Van-Tam, who said: “This is a very dangerous moment”. He said the R will only stay below 1 if people continue to adhere to physical distancing as the lockdown eases and people play their part to ensure the contact tracing system works well."
The Guardian May 30th

Statisticians have argued the Government is massaging the figures especially with regard to testing. Sir David Norgrove, the Chairman of the UK Statistics Authority, wrote a critical public letter addressed to Health Secretary Matt Hancock stating 'the presentation of figures on testing to show the largest possible number is at the expense of understanding'. June 2nd.

Sir Kier Starmer, Labour Leader, aptly accused Boris Johnson of 'winging it ' amid daily demands for an inquiry on pandemic strategies, past, present and future. 

The PM has little answers but in return ends the daily press briefing, citing low audience figures. What is this, a gameshow? What it is universally understood to be is a bid to avoid increasing scrutiny. However, as this Government has a massive majority, it can and does do whatever it wants.

Dominic Cummings remains in post , terrifyingly indestructible, no doubt having a laugh at his genius strategy of playing the fool with his 'testing my eyesight' quip. Better to be treated as a clown rather than as a serious threat.  He wins. We lose. 

As the structure of our close knit web breaks down, multi media images of happy family reunions flood the airways. Smiles of pure joy surround me. Friends recount with such excitement the exhilaration of newly allowable bbqs, picnics on the beach. Has social distancing really been adhered to? It is not my business to ask.  I am enveloped by envy. 

My family adhere to the truth of science. There is not enough reassurance that it is safe, even safe enough, to meet in a way which can ensure everyone's safety especially when small children are involved in the equation.  For now, everyone remains working from home  and we remain separate,  continuing as we have done to stay safe. The risk is deemed too high. 

This country has been torn apart in the last few weeks. Economic necessity, desperation, lack of information, the sheer overwhelming urgency to escape the loneliness and isolation of lockdown, whatever the reason, those leaving the web multiply by the day.

As workplaces and schools open across England and queues gather outside Ikea and MacDonalds, MPs form an orderly if extremely long queue to vote in Parliament to end the temporary virtual system.  

This is not to deny those who have always been out there working for our greater good, you have my thanks, my admiration, from the delivery drivers to the doctors, I wonder, does this new normal feel as strange to those who were never locked down as it does to the rest of us.

This has been the week that angry protests surged across the world in intentional outrage at the assassination of George Floyd, the black man murdered by Police in Minneapolis . In the US President Trump, facing a perfect storm of recession, coronavirus and this uprising of the 'Black Lives Matter' movement , threatens to bring in the national guard.  

This photo, his call to arms for 'law and order'  feels me with horror. Thankfully others too , it has been universally condemned as encouraging white supremacy, one small mercy. 




Businesses and individuals are speaking out in favour of change. As I write there is no sign of protests ending , here in London thousands gathered yesterday in support of the movement. Socially distanced. No. But I have no right to judge. I have not walked in their shoes.

I am an insignificant observer to this weeks momentous events, large and small. I wish the protesters well in every sense of the word. I hope the dramatic shifts in the landscape of our worlds, large and small settle calmly into a solid foundation so we can step forward together. 

As the cohesion of the UKs weeks of lockdown vanishes, my own life stays the same. I wait to see my granddaughters until we know more about the risks. I wait to visit my loved ones further afield until the rules allow us to stay overnight in the small property we own there. Which is probably now so overgrown we ll never find it under the undergrowth. 

To distract from anything concrete the Government floats random wish list dates for foreign holidays to restart,  whilst also putting in, finally, a quarantine for those returning to the UK. Three months too late. 

Tourist boards here are torn between encouraging visitors and judging them for mess, crowds and damage. The fact that no one is actually supposed to be going anywhere yet that is never actually mentioned.

I listen endlessly to news for any sign of optimism but none is forthcoming , Day after day I make myself carry on. I get up and go running.  Since the first weeks of lockdown running has been my solace.  It reminds me to breath, to stay alive.

Despite all my desires to break free, to fling caution to the winds, to fly away and see where my thread takes me, I fight the impulse because of reason and rationale. I cannot deny the fact that at present science and politics are at odds and we are caught in the middle. I prefer to trust in science. 

So I must reluctantly hold on tightly to the web we span so trustingly months ago, longing to free myself from the prison of its cocoon but knowing it is not yet time to let go.

I am exhausted searching for hope. I am tired with endlessly seeking for the right way forward. I am worn out, wrung out, wretched. I just have to carry on. Running daily underneath the timeless South Downs. Their majestic beauty conveys a silent reassurance. This time too  will pass.